Communication

The purpose of communication

It may seem strange to question the reason for communication but it is appropriate to consider your motives. Are you communicating to express your anger, to prove you are right or to force your point of view. Alternatively you may be trying to be kind, to comfort someone or to warn them of impending danger.

Your reaction to what others do or say may seem automatic but you do have control over how you communicate. I stressed that in my blog titled “Controlling anger”. It is your brain that decides how you will react or communicate. So pause for a split-second and make a decision about whether your reaction or your communication will be constructive or destructive.

Proverbs 15:1 – A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Pitfalls in communication

It is human nature to believe that our opinions are correct. We therefore tend to promote our own point of view and find it difficult to accept alternative views. I commented on this in my blog titled “Why it can be difficult to change”.

In my view most of our problems stem from a desire to protect our own position. Undue self-focus means we are less likely to appreciate the viewpoint of others. A lack of interest in their views can make us judge them unfairly. I therefore believe that losing that self-focus will lead to more effective and open communication.

Proverbs 18:2 – A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.

Empathy is sadly lacking in so many people today. It seems to be a product of our detached society with communication occurring via digital media. A face-to-face humanitarian approach is sadly missing for many people. It’s something that would allow us to better relate to one another.

1 Corinthians 12:26 – If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honoured, all rejoice together.

Effective communication

There is a lot of information about effective communication and I will only mention a few points here. Avoid being judgemental and using statements like “you always” or “that’s not true”. It’s much better to practice active listening with a genuine interest in understanding each other’s position. Try saying things like “when you say that I feel …” and “I understand where you are coming from but …”. Use constructive dialog and show interest in each other’s views. Don’t interrupt, have empathy and be aware of your tone and body language.

Luke 6:37 – Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;

Communication in marriage

Much has been written about communication in marriage. It takes time to fully understand one another and miscommunication is often the culprit of relationship difficulties. We can avoid this if we act in a less defensive manner. Wanting to prove that we are right and that our partner is wrong is very destructive. It fails to recognise that a marriage is, or should be, a cooperative partnership.

When we deeply know one another we understand what is about to come. We can finish one another’s sentences and have similar mindsets. My wife and I share that type of bond, after all we have been together now for 53 years. We no longer argue or misunderstand one another. I would normally joke about that and say that we have both given up trying to prove we are right.

After that many years together I now realise that women communicate differently to men. Men are more straightforward whereas women tend to be more nuanced and veil their true meaning. Like most men I have asked, “Is that a trick question?”, when treated like a fly in a Venus Fly Trap. I now understand why those plants are named that way.

Ephesians 4:32 – Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

That last verse from the bible is true. We should treat one another with respect and love. Otherwise the next verse is relevant.

Proverbs 27;15-16 – A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike; to restrain her is to restrain the wind or to grasp oil in one’s right hand.

Communicating with strangers

When we don’t know the other person we can easily misunderstand the meaning behind what they say. Of course, the way in which we project ourselves to others depends on our own state of mind. We may appear to be aggressive or sarcastic because something is troubling us. Other people will not understand the reason for our current style of communication.

A great example of miscommunication occurred with me recently. My wife and I got into the lift in our apartment building. We had dressed in warm clothing as the outside temperature was near freezing. There was a guy in the lift wearing shorts, sandals and a short sleeve T-shirt. We spoke with a lady in the lift and commented on how cold it was. To bring him into the conversation I said, “I don’t know how you could go outside dressed like that”. He brushed down the front of his shorts and was obviously concerned about his appearance. It showed how we can get things so wrong. It demonstrated that our thoughts about ourselves affect our interpretation of what we hear.

The negative impact of communication

In the woke community great offence is often taken, often on behalf of others, about what is said in truthful innocence. It’s important to realise that the truth is not malleable. The truth is simply the truth. There is nothing wrong with the truth and I commented on this in my blog titled “Being woke”.

2 Timothy 4:3-4 – For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths.

Proverbs 12:19 – Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue is but for a moment.

Avoiding negative reactions to what we say

We are only responsible for our own reactions and cannot control the reactions of others. We can, however, think about the impact of what we say. If we use hypercritical, degrading or attacking speech we can expect a strong negative reaction.

Ephesians 4:29 – Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Communicating in prayer

The greatest form of communication is the communication with God in prayer but I will discuss that another time. It is something that is deserving of special comment in a dedicated blog post.