Controlling anger

Why we get angry

Anger often arises due to poor communication. Generally we feel that what we are saying is very clear, after all it is to us. There may, however, be misunderstanding of the intent or meaning of what someone else is saying. This can lead to frustration, especially when we feel that others are not supporting or understanding our views. We all wish to be accepted and for our views to be seen as valid.

So why do we get angry? It’s usually because we are taking things personally or things aren’t going our way. Because we “know better” or at least we think we do. 

Recognising when we need to change

You may feel that you don’t need to change. That the problem is with other people. Their stupidity, pig-headedness and lack of understanding is surely the problem. Perhaps it is but you shouldn’t look at people that way. 

You may feel that your anger is justified. It may make you feel powerful or better than the person you are angry with. That’s definitely not a good way to be. It would be sadistic and cruel and I’m sure that you wouldn’t want other people to see you that way. In fact, if your anger makes you feel powerful it really shows your weakness and loss of control.

You may not even be angry with a person. It may be a result of something like a lawnmower that wont start or an iPad that stops working. It may be better in such cases to take a break and come back to it later when you are more settled. 

It’s important to recognise when something is making us uncomfortable. We know that because we feel frustrated, annoyed or in disagreement. It’s either our inbuilt appreciation of what is right and what is wrong or our discomfort when hearing something that conflicts with our “truth”. Whatever the reason this should create the drive to change. 

Is it possible to change?

One of the things that I found of value in my life was to realise that we all make decisions about how to react to certain stimuli. Whether to express anger, fear or sadness; or in fact any human emotion. Such reactions seem automatic and not able to be controlled. In reality a split-second decision is made in our brain and this is influenced by our experience. It is controllable. 

The classic example of this is the statement that, “You make me so mad”. The simple fact is that getting mad is our chosen reaction to whatever that person is doing. It is possible to interrupt our “automatic” reaction and replace it with a better reaction or comment. Firstly though we have to accept that information about what we see or hear does go to the brain. We know that there are many ways we could react. So we know that a decision is made about which way is appropriate.

Don’t blame your brain for making poor decisions (it’s your brain) and recognise that intervention is possible. Firstly, recognise that your reaction is something that you wished didn’t happen. Then identify how else you could have reacted. Even if you say, “when you do that I feel angry” or something similar. Don’t blame the other person, as they will instinctively go on the defensive.

Reprogramming our brain

If we can examine a situation with a rational mindset we can reprogram our computer brain and achieve a happier life. Reprogramming can occur by countering our negative thoughts with an even greater number of thoughts that are more positive. In that way, those positive thoughts become more prominent and take on new importance. They become our new truth and the negative thoughts slip away and become irrelevant. 

I am aware of the impact of trying to push back against negative thoughts. The more we try to push those thoughts away the more they will come back to haunt us. If we try to tell ourself in our mind that those thoughts are wrong or irrelevant the mind will come up with reasons for their relevance. I guess this happens because we are unconsciously trying to hold onto our truth. 

Don’t give bad thoughts value or see them as important. If you do your mind will be tuned into them. It will automatically seek out information that justifies those thoughts. It’s better to simply acknowledge that the thought has popped up. Recognise it as being something inappropriate that you don’t want to pursue. Focus on something else that is important to you. That way you can switch from negative to positive thought. By positive I don’t mean telling yourself “I’m positive that I’m not well”.

Letting go of anger

So far I have focussed on dealing with anger at a human level. That can be difficult, as we have a natural tendency to protect ourselves. Dealing with anger by letting go and focussing on our spirituality makes it a lot easier.

If you want to be a better person take responsibility. Step back, analyse your self-talk and think about how you could react better. Defuse the situation by showing more understanding. Realise that in the long run it doesn’t matter (it’s only our temporary human life).

Christian belief can bring peace and avoid anger

I have now found that I can avoid getting angry. This is due to my new focus on the well-being of others rather than on myself. I have greater empathy and want to understand others when they are upset. This was only possible when I let go of self-interest. Defending myself is not needed if I no longer take criticism as a personal affront. 

From a Christian viewpoint by focussing on our spirituality we detach from our human self. Seeing our presence on earth as temporary sounds depressing but it’s not. We have faith that by God’s grace and forgiveness we will eventually have a place in heaven. 

The key, in my view, is to ‘step outside your bodily self’. Then look at yourself and assess your behaviour. If you do this and view your faults as driven by the devil you detach from personal responsibility. Turning away from negative behaviours is a lot easier with that approach. It does, however, call for true belief in God and a desire to become a better person. It also calls for appreciation of Jesus Christ as a perfect example of what you strive to be.